WALKING GENTLY TOWARDS WINTER

This afternoon I am disconnecting from the external world,
for six days and six nights.

On retreat,
in community,
connecting to the season,
through gardening, meditation, and cooking.

As I move offline, 
I am feeling a little anxious.
My monkey mind is making me so.

What will you do without your phone?

Maybe you could check it each evening, or halfway through?

Who will the others be?

What if you don’t like anyone?

Why aren’t you spending New Year’s Eve with friends?

Surely you could be doing something more fun?

Is this the right time?

Are you feeling strong enough for this?

Will you be okay on the silent day?

Is there a way you can listen to some music?

Have you got enough things to ‘do’?

What if you really aren’t enjoying it?

Faced by this chorus of self doubt,
this composer of lives unlived,
this purveyor of regret,
I have to remember,
this is a human affliction. 

Even the graceful performer,
the eloquent colleague,
the gregarious guest,
or the fearless friend,
is having to silence this interloper.

As I move with consideration towards the turn of the year,
I sense that this grappling with my imposter,
may well be the defining challenge of this moment in my life.
The fine line between alignment,
and anguish.

As we move into winter,
and beyond,
my encouragement to you,
– and indeed to myself –
is to hold close the wisdom of psychologist Susan David;
‘courage is not the absence of fear; courage is fear walking.’

So, 
walk confidently into the new year,
it is already waiting for you.